every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize