wrigley field is MILF paradise
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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