smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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