My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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