If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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