I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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