I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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