In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
