there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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