Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
