I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
