We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
