I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
