I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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