he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
