Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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