youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
