if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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