Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
