I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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