That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
