Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
