I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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