i don't like sucking hair
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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