I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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