this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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