Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
