A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
