Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
