Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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