Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Alive.
So much puke
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
