My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
try to milk me bitch
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
