possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
