My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
