Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
