You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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