Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
