I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Randomize
