I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
