I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
