remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
