i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
