Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
