I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize