My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
