I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
i think my cat just said my name.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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