you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just found puke in my bra..
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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