evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
