he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
