i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
