accomplished twins. life is a go
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
