you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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