if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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