I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
