I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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