Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She bit a glass in half.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
