mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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