It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
