so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
did i just pee glitter
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
