the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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