No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
