I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
