Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
