watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
